Let me start this post with a personal story. I entered graduate school in Korea 4 years ago. It was an international school and the curriculum was in English. I had attended college in France and was accustomed to a certain way of "smart" or let's say "wise" discussion.
As I said in my previous post, in France, the more facts one knows, the smarter he is. So I was sitting there taking my first class, and the professor asks us something about democracy. I raise my hand and start blurting out the raw historical facts I knew about democracy, from Plato's criticism of Greek democracy to a democratically elected Adolf Hitler and so on. Professor stops me and redirects the discussion, and I looked like an idiot.
Anyway, knowledge of historical facts do not make look one smart in Korea and are considered useless. So how should I have answered the question?
In fact, content of the answer is not what makes look someone "smart" in South Korea. Koreans don't care about how much people know about the world, they care about how people say it.
First, diction and pronunciation are key when addressing a Korean public. President Kim Young Sam was called an "idiot" by many including the press, for the mere reason that he could not get rid of his Kyeongsan accent. His catch word was his pronunciation of the word "확실히" (certainly) which he pronounced "학실히". And I'm going to stop there with facts. The point is accent, diction and pronunciation have an enormous impact on how Koreans evaluate each other. People who use standard pronunciation, the kind of pronunciation prescribed by the National Institute of Korean Language, are viewed as "smart" people.
Another determining factor in how Korean people view each other as smart is the choice of words. Exact use of complicated words derived from English or old Chinese (hanja) are an excellent way to give a good impression at a job interview or a social gathering in which academic or economic stakes are high. This is why, by the way, when Korean people speak English they tend to prefer using all those words we only come through while studying for exams like the GRE and no one actually uses.
A third, very important factor on how Koreans consider someone "intelligent" is the proper use of grammar, honorifics in particular. The use of Korean grammar is different when talking to friends and in formal occasions. 이랑 is replaced by 과, 께서 has very precise uses, 요 and 입니다 have "should" be used alternatively and have very precise rules as to when they should be used, rules that no school actually teaches, and many other rules.
Interventions should be concise and informative at the same time, but most importantly, group harmony should be maintained, meaning that it is a taboo to mention facts people might not know during discussions. In a way, Koreans make sure that people have previous knowledge of what is being said. I noticed that when Koreans argue about a subject in particular, they use the 잖아 inflection (meaning "as you know") more than at any other time, to make sure that their "opponent" knows what they are talking about. If new facts are to be taught, they should be done conventionally: through books, lectures, television but not during discussions.
Finally, body language should be reduced to a minimum, Korean people don't value people who move and gesticulate when they are trying to make a point. Korean prefer the tone of the voice to be kept low.
During my class intervention, I committed three social blunders: I was laid back and used rather colloquial English, gesticulating, and giving out information people were not always aware of. Foreign students have a harder time when trying to discuss their thesis content or paper content with their professors: professors will often tell them to write the thesis or paper first before discussing the contents, rather than hear their students telling them things they may not know. Some consider it is a sign of lack of quality in education, but I personally argue that it is purely cultural.
Showing posts with label Conversation with Koreans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conversation with Koreans. Show all posts
Gender and Korean language
Korean may not be one of those languages which marks gender grammatically, it is a language where there are clear but subtle differences between men and women.
Let's first talk about the role of Korean women in society. There are some societies where women dominate social life (notably in the Pacific), some societies where women are increasingly vocal about changing their role in society (in most modernized cities around the world) and some societies where women are reduced to "minor" roles in society. Anthropologists argue that whatever the society, no society is necessarily "better".
Korea has experience a dramatic change, going from an agriculture society to an industrialized society within a span of 20-30 years. Alvin Toefler, a sociologist who is unheard of in western societies but very popular among societies which experienced such abrupt and dramatic change, coined the term "future shock", where people within the same society are disoriented and do not recognize the society they live in after it experienced dramatic changes within a brief amount of time.
What does this mean for Korean women? Korean women used to have the traditional roles of bringing up children and taking care of house chores. Women did not interact with other men and women working in companies along with men was considered "inconceivable" until the 1970s. Until then, most college students were men and college was considered an improper place for women to be. Women did attend high school, but without having college in mind. Women married some time after graduating from college, and marriages were in most cases arranged, as women did not have the opportunity to meet other men. Men and women were segregated from junior high school onwards, and in some cases, from elementary school. I am no fan of the Confucian explanation of these gender roles, and my view on this is that socio-biological elements played a crucial role, though I will not elaborate this here.
Women were considered inferior to men in the sense that they had to show respect to men, and men had to protect them. Note that words like nuna and oppa were strictly restricted to the family circle and were not used for people with whom no blood ties were established.
This is when future shock came in. Korean economy became industrialized, it was easier to find food, and women were needed in the workforce. Women entered the workforce, but were still considered inferior to men. Though today there is a significant number of congresswomen, CEOs (yes there are!), professors etc., one should note that they almost exclusively work with other women and limit their interactions with men. Men still won't take orders from women, won't listen to them and will only accept orders from a male boss. Though things changed in 30 years, the older generation of men which witnessed women confined in their role as "mothers" is still alive, therefore it may take some time for women to be considered equals with men.
When it comes to language, women and men differ in their prescriptive use of "polite speech". While women directly or indirectly invite those younger than them (men and women) to use "plain speech" (반말) as long as the women are not married, men will tend to impose "polite speech" to those who are younger than them. Note however that both men and women tend to use "polite speech" with married women.
Children may use "plain speech" with their mothers in public, however, while many children will use "plain speech" with their father in the private sphere, they will use "polite speech" in public.
Women also differ in the sense that they tend to view conversations from a more "equal" perspective and tend to agree on the fact that both should "lead" the conversation. This is not true of married women. Men, in contrast, tend to think that there should be a "leader" in the conversation. Note that, regardless of age, men tend to lead conversations even when they are with older women, but not with married women.
Finally, at the workplace, women tend to mix "polite speech" and "plain speech" with their subordinates. Women will tend to use polite speech when they give orders to their subordinates ('해 주세요') whereas men will exclusively use plain speech with subordinates.
Finally, there are some differences in the way men and women formulate their sentences:
Women: Tend to be more careful when they use "polite speech" with men, tend to use longer sentences, to color their speech with more "hesitation" words when asking for a favor (저 있잖아...), tend to speak with more intonations and their voice tends to be more nasal, tend to formulate questions rather than make assertions, use body language a lot when they talk.
Married women: Sentences tend to be shorter, careful with polite speech when speaking to men, use very few "hesitation" words, tend to refute what younger people will tell them (often use the phrase "그개 아나라" after younger people make a statement), tend not to look at men when they talk to them, little body language.
Men: Less careful with polite speech when talking to women, very careful with polite speech when talking to superiors, use few "hesitation" words, make more assertions and ask fewer questions, very short sentences, body language is still make little use of hands or body when talking, though they do tend to touch their hair a lot, tend to giggle while they speak when speaking to hierarchical superiors or women.
Upper class men: speak with long sentences, use "plain" speech (반말) with virtually every group, vowels tend to be longer than other groups, smile a lot but laugh very little when they talk, few "hesitation" words, constant interruptions, constant refutation of what the other person says (using 그개 아니라), very little body language, higher voice pitch than other groups.
Let's first talk about the role of Korean women in society. There are some societies where women dominate social life (notably in the Pacific), some societies where women are increasingly vocal about changing their role in society (in most modernized cities around the world) and some societies where women are reduced to "minor" roles in society. Anthropologists argue that whatever the society, no society is necessarily "better".
Korea has experience a dramatic change, going from an agriculture society to an industrialized society within a span of 20-30 years. Alvin Toefler, a sociologist who is unheard of in western societies but very popular among societies which experienced such abrupt and dramatic change, coined the term "future shock", where people within the same society are disoriented and do not recognize the society they live in after it experienced dramatic changes within a brief amount of time.
What does this mean for Korean women? Korean women used to have the traditional roles of bringing up children and taking care of house chores. Women did not interact with other men and women working in companies along with men was considered "inconceivable" until the 1970s. Until then, most college students were men and college was considered an improper place for women to be. Women did attend high school, but without having college in mind. Women married some time after graduating from college, and marriages were in most cases arranged, as women did not have the opportunity to meet other men. Men and women were segregated from junior high school onwards, and in some cases, from elementary school. I am no fan of the Confucian explanation of these gender roles, and my view on this is that socio-biological elements played a crucial role, though I will not elaborate this here.
Women were considered inferior to men in the sense that they had to show respect to men, and men had to protect them. Note that words like nuna and oppa were strictly restricted to the family circle and were not used for people with whom no blood ties were established.
This is when future shock came in. Korean economy became industrialized, it was easier to find food, and women were needed in the workforce. Women entered the workforce, but were still considered inferior to men. Though today there is a significant number of congresswomen, CEOs (yes there are!), professors etc., one should note that they almost exclusively work with other women and limit their interactions with men. Men still won't take orders from women, won't listen to them and will only accept orders from a male boss. Though things changed in 30 years, the older generation of men which witnessed women confined in their role as "mothers" is still alive, therefore it may take some time for women to be considered equals with men.
When it comes to language, women and men differ in their prescriptive use of "polite speech". While women directly or indirectly invite those younger than them (men and women) to use "plain speech" (반말) as long as the women are not married, men will tend to impose "polite speech" to those who are younger than them. Note however that both men and women tend to use "polite speech" with married women.
Children may use "plain speech" with their mothers in public, however, while many children will use "plain speech" with their father in the private sphere, they will use "polite speech" in public.
Women also differ in the sense that they tend to view conversations from a more "equal" perspective and tend to agree on the fact that both should "lead" the conversation. This is not true of married women. Men, in contrast, tend to think that there should be a "leader" in the conversation. Note that, regardless of age, men tend to lead conversations even when they are with older women, but not with married women.
Finally, at the workplace, women tend to mix "polite speech" and "plain speech" with their subordinates. Women will tend to use polite speech when they give orders to their subordinates ('해 주세요') whereas men will exclusively use plain speech with subordinates.
Finally, there are some differences in the way men and women formulate their sentences:
Women: Tend to be more careful when they use "polite speech" with men, tend to use longer sentences, to color their speech with more "hesitation" words when asking for a favor (저 있잖아...), tend to speak with more intonations and their voice tends to be more nasal, tend to formulate questions rather than make assertions, use body language a lot when they talk.
Married women: Sentences tend to be shorter, careful with polite speech when speaking to men, use very few "hesitation" words, tend to refute what younger people will tell them (often use the phrase "그개 아나라" after younger people make a statement), tend not to look at men when they talk to them, little body language.
Men: Less careful with polite speech when talking to women, very careful with polite speech when talking to superiors, use few "hesitation" words, make more assertions and ask fewer questions, very short sentences, body language is still make little use of hands or body when talking, though they do tend to touch their hair a lot, tend to giggle while they speak when speaking to hierarchical superiors or women.
Upper class men: speak with long sentences, use "plain" speech (반말) with virtually every group, vowels tend to be longer than other groups, smile a lot but laugh very little when they talk, few "hesitation" words, constant interruptions, constant refutation of what the other person says (using 그개 아니라), very little body language, higher voice pitch than other groups.
First contacts with Koreans
A fundamental rule in Korean society is that Koreans should not "reveal their feelings" to strangers, whether Korean or foreigner. What this means concretely:
-Koreans do not excuse themselves when they bump into people in the streets
-Koreans do not greet people they meet for the first time, unless it is ritualized (two beautiful women standing at the entrance of a supermarket and bowing at clients)
-Koreans do not engage in any form of conversation with strangers who do not have an established relationship with them and only say what has to be said (as I argued before, the owner of a business and his clients may consider his relationship established as owner-client, others ignore this relationship, but in any case, a part-time worker will not engage in conversation with clients unless it is the business's policy)
These rules may sound complicated, but to sum up, Koreans don't talk to strangers. You may notice that in a bus, an old man may pull you out of your chair reserved to the elderly without saying a word. You may also notice Koreans pushing you in the subway or crowded areas without saying a word, or with people in the streets bumping into you or stepping on your feet without saying a word to excuse themselves.
Note that Koreans rarely ask for directions in the streets. They only ask for directions when they are inside a car and the person they are asking directions to knows that they will be out of the way within a few seconds. Therefore, Koreans will switch sidewalks if a stranger is looking at them or approaching them in some way. They leave without saying a word when evangelicals approach them to convert them. And they look into different directions when a stranger approaches them with a question, though they will feel forced to answer if eye contact was established with the stranger.
Koreans use English with foreigners for two reasons: as I argued before, they want the foreigner to know and acknowledge the fact that they are bilingual. They also want to keep the conversation as short as possible, as the foreigner might not understand what the Korean said in Korean, which may lead to a longer conversation. Koreans try to keep conversations short with strangers.
When a third party brings a stranger to a party, the rule is that he must introduce the stranger to the group, doing so loud and clear and giving as much information as possible about the stranger. When introducing a stranger to a group, foreigners often introduce them by saying their names, and then expect the stranger to complete his own self-introduction. Koreans do not communicate with people they do not have enough information about, and not introducing a stranger properly to a group may lead the stranger to be an outcast for the rest of the party. Koreans will avoid looking at the stranger and talking to him.
When a third party introduces a stranger to a group, he usually gives information such as name, age, job, and nationality if it's a foreigner. The third party will then add relevant information regarding why he brought the stranger to the party or how the stranger is in some way affiliated to the group. It is not uncommon for third parties to mention marital status or dating status in introductions.
As some third parties do forget to introduce their guests, it is common that the stranger will ask his third party to introduce him to the group. Once the relationship is established, conversations can go on normally, and Koreans will actively engage in conversation regardless of whether it is a foreigner or a Korean as long as:
-the foreigner observes the local etiquette
-the foreigner speaks at least basic conversational Korean
Note that Koreans refuse to speak languages that may not be understood by some. The reason is that Koreans are highly group oriented and are worried about offending people who may not understand the language. It is therefore important to speak conversational Korean.
While it is considered rude to interrupt a conversation or to comment on what two people are saying during the first meeting, it is important to wait for that conversation to be over and to start the conversation. Starting a conversation includes asking several questions which will determine the relationship between the two and who will lead the conversation. I've given some information on who leads conversations and how relationships are established in other posts.
Koreans also tend to remain neutral during the first meeting and not to give any judgment on anything. They may not laugh at jokes and may not frown on what bothers them. Even while drinking, the newcomer/ stranger will be relatively ignored. Only in subsequent meetings, as the stranger shows commitment to the group, will conversations get more "interesting".
Note finally that Koreans tend to ostracize people who are not "full members of a group". A strong tie to the group is needed, meaning that they should be from the same organization to be considered full members. Therefore, Koreans may not invite strangers who are foreign to the group on a collective basis, but will certainly on an individual basis if a strong relationship is established between two people.
-Koreans do not excuse themselves when they bump into people in the streets
-Koreans do not greet people they meet for the first time, unless it is ritualized (two beautiful women standing at the entrance of a supermarket and bowing at clients)
-Koreans do not engage in any form of conversation with strangers who do not have an established relationship with them and only say what has to be said (as I argued before, the owner of a business and his clients may consider his relationship established as owner-client, others ignore this relationship, but in any case, a part-time worker will not engage in conversation with clients unless it is the business's policy)
These rules may sound complicated, but to sum up, Koreans don't talk to strangers. You may notice that in a bus, an old man may pull you out of your chair reserved to the elderly without saying a word. You may also notice Koreans pushing you in the subway or crowded areas without saying a word, or with people in the streets bumping into you or stepping on your feet without saying a word to excuse themselves.
Note that Koreans rarely ask for directions in the streets. They only ask for directions when they are inside a car and the person they are asking directions to knows that they will be out of the way within a few seconds. Therefore, Koreans will switch sidewalks if a stranger is looking at them or approaching them in some way. They leave without saying a word when evangelicals approach them to convert them. And they look into different directions when a stranger approaches them with a question, though they will feel forced to answer if eye contact was established with the stranger.
Koreans use English with foreigners for two reasons: as I argued before, they want the foreigner to know and acknowledge the fact that they are bilingual. They also want to keep the conversation as short as possible, as the foreigner might not understand what the Korean said in Korean, which may lead to a longer conversation. Koreans try to keep conversations short with strangers.
When a third party brings a stranger to a party, the rule is that he must introduce the stranger to the group, doing so loud and clear and giving as much information as possible about the stranger. When introducing a stranger to a group, foreigners often introduce them by saying their names, and then expect the stranger to complete his own self-introduction. Koreans do not communicate with people they do not have enough information about, and not introducing a stranger properly to a group may lead the stranger to be an outcast for the rest of the party. Koreans will avoid looking at the stranger and talking to him.
When a third party introduces a stranger to a group, he usually gives information such as name, age, job, and nationality if it's a foreigner. The third party will then add relevant information regarding why he brought the stranger to the party or how the stranger is in some way affiliated to the group. It is not uncommon for third parties to mention marital status or dating status in introductions.
As some third parties do forget to introduce their guests, it is common that the stranger will ask his third party to introduce him to the group. Once the relationship is established, conversations can go on normally, and Koreans will actively engage in conversation regardless of whether it is a foreigner or a Korean as long as:
-the foreigner observes the local etiquette
-the foreigner speaks at least basic conversational Korean
Note that Koreans refuse to speak languages that may not be understood by some. The reason is that Koreans are highly group oriented and are worried about offending people who may not understand the language. It is therefore important to speak conversational Korean.
While it is considered rude to interrupt a conversation or to comment on what two people are saying during the first meeting, it is important to wait for that conversation to be over and to start the conversation. Starting a conversation includes asking several questions which will determine the relationship between the two and who will lead the conversation. I've given some information on who leads conversations and how relationships are established in other posts.
Koreans also tend to remain neutral during the first meeting and not to give any judgment on anything. They may not laugh at jokes and may not frown on what bothers them. Even while drinking, the newcomer/ stranger will be relatively ignored. Only in subsequent meetings, as the stranger shows commitment to the group, will conversations get more "interesting".
Note finally that Koreans tend to ostracize people who are not "full members of a group". A strong tie to the group is needed, meaning that they should be from the same organization to be considered full members. Therefore, Koreans may not invite strangers who are foreign to the group on a collective basis, but will certainly on an individual basis if a strong relationship is established between two people.
Complaints foreigners make when they communicate with Koreans
Communicating with any cultural group we don't belong to can be uncomfortable. Cultural groups are not limited to "race" or "ethnicity", nationality, social class, gender, age, religious affiliation etc. etc. are all determining factors in one's culture, and anyone who has to deal with someone "different" will feel "uneasy" communicating.
Here are the most common complaints people make when communicating with different people:
1- I did not say anything wrong... why does he keep interrupting me?
While when we communicate with people who belong to our group we always know why we're being interrupted, when communicating with strangers we don't. In Korea, interruptions have to do with two factors:
-mentioning a taboo topic
-talking longer than we should.
Each culture defines taboos and the amount of time we should speak differently. In Korea, cultural, political, religious or social issues are taboo when addressing someone we do not know well. "Showing off" economic or social status is also taboo, therefore Koreans will feel uneasy if you give long explanations on how you got to that ivy league school or how everyone at your company respects you. The rest depends on people's idiosyncrasies. Some people do not want to hear about that church you attend, while others do. Some want to know about your the daily difficulties you have adapting to Korean life, but most don't.
As for talking longer than you should, some questions require longer answers in foreign languages but require shorter answer in Korean. Questions asking "do you like..." are often "yes" questions, meaning that Koreans do not expect your answer to be anything other than yes. Foreigners often complain that Koreans ask them their opinion on a topic, and interrupt them as soon as they start elaborating their opinion. When Koreans ask someone his or her opinion, they often expect a brief answer of the likes of "I like it, I don't like it", and no further explanations are expected. Age is also a determining factor and older men will tend to interrupt people more. Older men tend to be respected in Korea (the tendency is slowly disappearing) and dislike it when younger people contradict them or even express opinions or make comments in front of them. Older people are expected to "lead" the conversation and expect younger people to talk only when they invite them to, and therefore will interrupt frequently.
Finally, Koreans feel responsible as a group rather than individuals. Therefore, criticizing someone else who belongs to their group or something which belongs to the group is like criticizing the individual. Therefore, Koreans will tend to censor criticism related to their group when talking with an outsider to the group. This means: Korea when talking with a foreigner, the company or school when talking with someone who does not belong to the company or school, etc. Note that Koreans will tend to criticize their country, school or company once they begin to trust someone.
2- I'm trying to have conversation... why does he keep his answers short?
When Koreans converse, the older person tends to lead the conversation. Before the relationship is established and it is decided who will lead the conversation or if both can lead the conversation, Koreans will keep their answers very short. Therefore, when meeting a Korean for the first time, he will tend to answer your questions very briefly. He will then tell you that you are his "older brother/sister" which means you can lead the conversation, or that you are his "friend" and that both of you can lead the conversation. He may ask you to refer to him as your "older brother" which means that he will lead the conversation.
Leading the conversation does not mean monopolizing the conversation. It is a sort of "tacit" agreement on who will decide how to take turns in conversation. So if you are "leading" the conversation and don't ask him questions, he will not talk. If he leads the conversation and that you interrupt him with a comment or decide it is your turn to say something, he may not appreciate it and may do everything to finish what he had to say first.
3- Why does he stubbornly refuse to discuss the news?
I can't say that enough, Koreans only discuss serious topics with people they know they can trust. In fact, any topic which may involve different opinions or debates will be left to when both people know they can trust each other. This is because it is taboo to disagree with a stranger.
This means that regardless of whether the person has a Phd in political science, is a lawyer, or even a politician, they will not discuss current events with strangers. Note that if such people meet you they may compliment you on your beauty rather than on your country winning a world cup in any sport the previous day. However, once they trust you, they will discuss anything with you.
4- Why does he have no interest in my country
Interest in foreign countries are motivated by the need to know information about foreign countries. Koreans know a lot about the US financial system but do not feel the need to inform themselves about US culture, US politics or US sports.
Korea is an export-oriented country and does not feel the need to import from other countries. Despite some problems with agriculture, local Korean agricultural, manufactured and service products can be found. Cultural products are also widely available.
Therefore Koreans do not feel the need to know what is happening abroad, because it is a self-sufficient country. With Chinese and Indian products competing with Korean products in the global market, Koreans may sooner or later feel the need to inform themselves about foreign culture.
The reason they don't want to know about what you grew up doing in your country? People only listen when the information given is useful to them in some way. When they will want to send their children to study in your country, they will contact you to ask you about the local system there.
5- Why isn't he direct and frank when he talks to me?
Korean culture regards hurting someone's feeling as something which should be avoided. Therefore if he wants to say something that might hurt your feeling, he will keep it to himself. If you do something wrong, he might even take the blame for it.
These are aspects of culture that are not likely to change overnight, or even within decades or centuries. Lecturing Koreans on how communicating your way is the better way makes as little sense as them lecturing you on how their way is the better way.
Here are the most common complaints people make when communicating with different people:
1- I did not say anything wrong... why does he keep interrupting me?
While when we communicate with people who belong to our group we always know why we're being interrupted, when communicating with strangers we don't. In Korea, interruptions have to do with two factors:
-mentioning a taboo topic
-talking longer than we should.
Each culture defines taboos and the amount of time we should speak differently. In Korea, cultural, political, religious or social issues are taboo when addressing someone we do not know well. "Showing off" economic or social status is also taboo, therefore Koreans will feel uneasy if you give long explanations on how you got to that ivy league school or how everyone at your company respects you. The rest depends on people's idiosyncrasies. Some people do not want to hear about that church you attend, while others do. Some want to know about your the daily difficulties you have adapting to Korean life, but most don't.
As for talking longer than you should, some questions require longer answers in foreign languages but require shorter answer in Korean. Questions asking "do you like..." are often "yes" questions, meaning that Koreans do not expect your answer to be anything other than yes. Foreigners often complain that Koreans ask them their opinion on a topic, and interrupt them as soon as they start elaborating their opinion. When Koreans ask someone his or her opinion, they often expect a brief answer of the likes of "I like it, I don't like it", and no further explanations are expected. Age is also a determining factor and older men will tend to interrupt people more. Older men tend to be respected in Korea (the tendency is slowly disappearing) and dislike it when younger people contradict them or even express opinions or make comments in front of them. Older people are expected to "lead" the conversation and expect younger people to talk only when they invite them to, and therefore will interrupt frequently.
Finally, Koreans feel responsible as a group rather than individuals. Therefore, criticizing someone else who belongs to their group or something which belongs to the group is like criticizing the individual. Therefore, Koreans will tend to censor criticism related to their group when talking with an outsider to the group. This means: Korea when talking with a foreigner, the company or school when talking with someone who does not belong to the company or school, etc. Note that Koreans will tend to criticize their country, school or company once they begin to trust someone.
2- I'm trying to have conversation... why does he keep his answers short?
When Koreans converse, the older person tends to lead the conversation. Before the relationship is established and it is decided who will lead the conversation or if both can lead the conversation, Koreans will keep their answers very short. Therefore, when meeting a Korean for the first time, he will tend to answer your questions very briefly. He will then tell you that you are his "older brother/sister" which means you can lead the conversation, or that you are his "friend" and that both of you can lead the conversation. He may ask you to refer to him as your "older brother" which means that he will lead the conversation.
Leading the conversation does not mean monopolizing the conversation. It is a sort of "tacit" agreement on who will decide how to take turns in conversation. So if you are "leading" the conversation and don't ask him questions, he will not talk. If he leads the conversation and that you interrupt him with a comment or decide it is your turn to say something, he may not appreciate it and may do everything to finish what he had to say first.
3- Why does he stubbornly refuse to discuss the news?
I can't say that enough, Koreans only discuss serious topics with people they know they can trust. In fact, any topic which may involve different opinions or debates will be left to when both people know they can trust each other. This is because it is taboo to disagree with a stranger.
This means that regardless of whether the person has a Phd in political science, is a lawyer, or even a politician, they will not discuss current events with strangers. Note that if such people meet you they may compliment you on your beauty rather than on your country winning a world cup in any sport the previous day. However, once they trust you, they will discuss anything with you.
4- Why does he have no interest in my country
Interest in foreign countries are motivated by the need to know information about foreign countries. Koreans know a lot about the US financial system but do not feel the need to inform themselves about US culture, US politics or US sports.
Korea is an export-oriented country and does not feel the need to import from other countries. Despite some problems with agriculture, local Korean agricultural, manufactured and service products can be found. Cultural products are also widely available.
Therefore Koreans do not feel the need to know what is happening abroad, because it is a self-sufficient country. With Chinese and Indian products competing with Korean products in the global market, Koreans may sooner or later feel the need to inform themselves about foreign culture.
The reason they don't want to know about what you grew up doing in your country? People only listen when the information given is useful to them in some way. When they will want to send their children to study in your country, they will contact you to ask you about the local system there.
5- Why isn't he direct and frank when he talks to me?
Korean culture regards hurting someone's feeling as something which should be avoided. Therefore if he wants to say something that might hurt your feeling, he will keep it to himself. If you do something wrong, he might even take the blame for it.
These are aspects of culture that are not likely to change overnight, or even within decades or centuries. Lecturing Koreans on how communicating your way is the better way makes as little sense as them lecturing you on how their way is the better way.
What language foreigners use with Koreans
Before you start a conversation with Koreans, you may wonder what language you should use.
Choosing a language does not only depend on your ability to speak Korean or not. No matter how fluently you speak Korean, you may encounter moments where you will be invited to speak English.
Being bilingual is a state of mind. There is a difference between claiming to be bilingual and thinking we are bilingual. While Koreans will swear that they are not bilingual and don't speak English, the fact that they try to use it very often when them meet English speaking people shows that they clearly think that they are bilingual. In sum, if you try to speak a language -say Korean- no matter how rusty you may claim to speak it, you are claiming to be bilingual.
Studies have been made about when two bilingual people meet. They have concluded that they will speak the language they are both comfortable with when cooperating, and speak a language they are less comfortable with when they are trying to take a distance. "Being comfortable with" a language is also a state of mind, as some people may speak barely comprehensible English or Korean but may still feel comfortable with it.
In other words, if a foreigner and a Korean are in a situation where they have to cooperate, they will use English if both speak good English, Korean if both speak good Korean, a mixture of both if they're comfortable with both languages, or a "bastardized" language mixing ungrammatical English and Korea when both are not really bilingual. That "bastardized" language is called a "pidgin".
However, if they are in a situation where they should take a distance, like when meeting for the first time, when both people are total strangers, or at work, they may use languages one of the speakers is not comfortable with. That is, when bilingual Koreans talk to strangers ("bilingual" is a state of mind) they will use English rather than Korean, in an attempt to take a distance.
Also, when bilingual people meet another bilingual person and are in crowded places, they like other people to "notice that they can speak a foreign language", as if people were really paying attention. Therefore some Koreans may insist to speak English when in a coffee house, in a restaurant or any crowded place because they like other people to notice that they can speak English. The conflict arises when the foreigner also wants people to notice that he speaks a foreign language - Korean. Therefore while the foreigner will be making an attempt to speak Korean, the Korean will try to keep the conversation in English.
However at work, colleagues don't want people who may be paying more attention to notice that their foreign language skills are in fact not that great. While the foreign employee will try to use English as much as possible to avoid people noticing his grammatical mistakes and other weaknesses in Korean, Korean employees don't want other employees to notice their not so perfect English and will try to speak Korean, even when talking to a foreigner. This means that your boss or colleague may speak what you consider good English, but will insist on using Korean at the workplace. Your colleagues may even be offended if you speak to them in English publicly at the workplace.
Choosing a language does not only depend on your ability to speak Korean or not. No matter how fluently you speak Korean, you may encounter moments where you will be invited to speak English.
Being bilingual is a state of mind. There is a difference between claiming to be bilingual and thinking we are bilingual. While Koreans will swear that they are not bilingual and don't speak English, the fact that they try to use it very often when them meet English speaking people shows that they clearly think that they are bilingual. In sum, if you try to speak a language -say Korean- no matter how rusty you may claim to speak it, you are claiming to be bilingual.
Studies have been made about when two bilingual people meet. They have concluded that they will speak the language they are both comfortable with when cooperating, and speak a language they are less comfortable with when they are trying to take a distance. "Being comfortable with" a language is also a state of mind, as some people may speak barely comprehensible English or Korean but may still feel comfortable with it.
In other words, if a foreigner and a Korean are in a situation where they have to cooperate, they will use English if both speak good English, Korean if both speak good Korean, a mixture of both if they're comfortable with both languages, or a "bastardized" language mixing ungrammatical English and Korea when both are not really bilingual. That "bastardized" language is called a "pidgin".
However, if they are in a situation where they should take a distance, like when meeting for the first time, when both people are total strangers, or at work, they may use languages one of the speakers is not comfortable with. That is, when bilingual Koreans talk to strangers ("bilingual" is a state of mind) they will use English rather than Korean, in an attempt to take a distance.
Also, when bilingual people meet another bilingual person and are in crowded places, they like other people to "notice that they can speak a foreign language", as if people were really paying attention. Therefore some Koreans may insist to speak English when in a coffee house, in a restaurant or any crowded place because they like other people to notice that they can speak English. The conflict arises when the foreigner also wants people to notice that he speaks a foreign language - Korean. Therefore while the foreigner will be making an attempt to speak Korean, the Korean will try to keep the conversation in English.
However at work, colleagues don't want people who may be paying more attention to notice that their foreign language skills are in fact not that great. While the foreign employee will try to use English as much as possible to avoid people noticing his grammatical mistakes and other weaknesses in Korean, Korean employees don't want other employees to notice their not so perfect English and will try to speak Korean, even when talking to a foreigner. This means that your boss or colleague may speak what you consider good English, but will insist on using Korean at the workplace. Your colleagues may even be offended if you speak to them in English publicly at the workplace.
Final step: saying goodbye
Once the conversation is over and people have to go their separate ways, there are manners when it comes to saying goodbye.
Note that Koreans will consider someone very rude if he leaves without informing them he is doing so. For the rest, it is a question of the degree of friendship and social relationship.
Koreans only say anyeongikasaeyo to older people and to strangers with whom the relationship is not well established. anyeong is usually used when separating in the streets or in crowded areas.
However, if the relationship is stronger between two people, different forms of saying "goodbye" may be used. "You should come to my place some day", "let's have dinner some time", or "let's call each other" are all substitutes for anyeong, and therefore the traditional "bye" will be omitted.
Finally, other words can replace "good bye". "Get home safe", "go safely", "be healthy" etc. are all words that substitute bye.
In sum, if Koreans don't tell you expressions like "bye" or "see ya", anyeong or jal ka it's not because they don't like you, but because they have different expressions to say goodbye, expressions they will often not teach you in schools or when you ask them because they are not conscious of it.
*Also not that there are different ways to say "hi" when people meet for the second time on. The expression anyeonghaseyo is very formal and only used in formal contexts or when people meet for the first time.
Note that the answer for anyeonghaseyo is ne which may then be followed by anyeonghaseyo but that is not mandatory.
When meeting for the second time on, people will use expressions other than anyeonghaseyo or anyeong. pap mogossoyo? meaning did you have lunch/dinner can be a remplacement for "hi" and the expected answer is ne, even if the person did not have lunch/dinner yet, unless the two people formally established that they met to have a meal together. Other expressions like 일 다 끝났어요? (did you finish all your work?), 어디 가세요? (are you going anywhere?) or 누굴 만나세요? (are you meeting anyone) all remplace anyeonghaseyo. The expected answer to all these expressions is 네 (ne, yes).
Finally, note that any question with a rising intonation should be answered by "yes". That is:
-Is she pretty (rising intonation)
-Yes (no matter what you think)
-Does he speak good English (rising intonation)
-Yes
-Is she pretty? (falling intonation)
-Well, you know...
-Does he speak good English (falling intonation)
-kind of but still...
Note that Koreans will consider someone very rude if he leaves without informing them he is doing so. For the rest, it is a question of the degree of friendship and social relationship.
Koreans only say anyeongikasaeyo to older people and to strangers with whom the relationship is not well established. anyeong is usually used when separating in the streets or in crowded areas.
However, if the relationship is stronger between two people, different forms of saying "goodbye" may be used. "You should come to my place some day", "let's have dinner some time", or "let's call each other" are all substitutes for anyeong, and therefore the traditional "bye" will be omitted.
Finally, other words can replace "good bye". "Get home safe", "go safely", "be healthy" etc. are all words that substitute bye.
In sum, if Koreans don't tell you expressions like "bye" or "see ya", anyeong or jal ka it's not because they don't like you, but because they have different expressions to say goodbye, expressions they will often not teach you in schools or when you ask them because they are not conscious of it.
*Also not that there are different ways to say "hi" when people meet for the second time on. The expression anyeonghaseyo is very formal and only used in formal contexts or when people meet for the first time.
Note that the answer for anyeonghaseyo is ne which may then be followed by anyeonghaseyo but that is not mandatory.
When meeting for the second time on, people will use expressions other than anyeonghaseyo or anyeong. pap mogossoyo? meaning did you have lunch/dinner can be a remplacement for "hi" and the expected answer is ne, even if the person did not have lunch/dinner yet, unless the two people formally established that they met to have a meal together. Other expressions like 일 다 끝났어요? (did you finish all your work?), 어디 가세요? (are you going anywhere?) or 누굴 만나세요? (are you meeting anyone) all remplace anyeonghaseyo. The expected answer to all these expressions is 네 (ne, yes).
Finally, note that any question with a rising intonation should be answered by "yes". That is:
-Is she pretty (rising intonation)
-Yes (no matter what you think)
-Does he speak good English (rising intonation)
-Yes
-Is she pretty? (falling intonation)
-Well, you know...
-Does he speak good English (falling intonation)
-kind of but still...
Step three - What to talk about
Now that you and the person you are talking to have established the relationship and agreed on what form of speech you should use, the most important part of the conversation may start: what should you talk about?
Conversation topics vary greatly depending on personality, occupation, social class, age, gender etc. However, without knowledge of the Korean family structure, Korean education system or Korean entertainment you may encounter a tough time finding a topic you may share with Korean people.
Korean people seldom discuss their past lives. They are very future oriented, goal-driven people who see no use in discussing past events or memories. They may talk about past accomplishments but usually do so "modestly": they do not give every detail of how they made it to succeed.
Perhaps in order to know what to talk about with Koreans, it is better to ask them about what they do during their daily lives. Koreans tend to avoid specific questions like "what does your job consist in doing" or "how do you proceed in studying". They tend to speak more generally about what they do. Koreans tend to ask each other what their hobbies are and what their goals are in life in order to establish what they will talk about. "What are your hobbies" and "what are your future plans" are very common questions for which Koreans expect a clear answer.
Hobbies vary from person to person. Some people have many hobbies, while other may only have one. It is not considered deviant in Korean society to put all one's efforts into one hobby. Some will focus on learning English for an entire year, others on learning an instrument etc. While for those who have a great variety of hobbies it is very easy to focus the conversation on a great amount of topics, others may be ignorant of a great amount of topics. Middle class women, female students and housewives tend to spend a great deal of their time cooking and watching television and may never reject a conversation about Korean entertainment gossip or sharing recipes. Korean middle class men however spend a great amount of their time worrying about their bank accounts and are likely to discuss stock prices, the job market and studying English - which has become a crucial element to make money - more on that later.
As for future goals, both men and women may be busy preparing for very competitive examinations until their late 20s or early 30s. Many plan to go to graduate school abroad some day. Those married may plan to send their children to study abroad. Most study English to improve their TOEIC or TOEFL scores: a key to securing a promotion or good job position. Koreans readily discuss those topics, but do not discuss the details. While it's OK to ask them what they plan to major in, what they plan to study or how many hours they spend studying every day, most Koreans do not have discussions about the subjects that they will study. For example, they rarely discuss English grammar or what they plan to write their dissertation about. However, they do discuss what kind of job they expect, but do not discuss the logistic aspects of their future dream jobs.
Most importantly, Koreans do not like discussing topics which require specialization, no matter how close they may be to their friend. This means that politics, the economy, society or sports are topics that tend to be avoided. People may discuss their political affiliations with close friends, why they like or dislike the president, how interest rates have gone up etc. but tend to discuss those topics concretely, citing lots of concrete examples and very little theoretical data. Although Koreans do vocally disagree on certain issues with people they trust, many pretend to agree, or avoid topics that invite to discussion alltogether.
Finally, note that Koreans keep their explanations short but their descriptions long. This means the "how" rather than the "why" tends to be elaborated. For example, when complaining about something, Koreans will describe everything that happened, all the circumstances, but will not analyze what happened by issuing statments like "I think that when this happens he always does that in order to prevent yonder from happening". They prefer statements like
"after this happened he did that
_and did yonder happen?
_no. "
Conversation topics vary greatly depending on personality, occupation, social class, age, gender etc. However, without knowledge of the Korean family structure, Korean education system or Korean entertainment you may encounter a tough time finding a topic you may share with Korean people.
Korean people seldom discuss their past lives. They are very future oriented, goal-driven people who see no use in discussing past events or memories. They may talk about past accomplishments but usually do so "modestly": they do not give every detail of how they made it to succeed.
Perhaps in order to know what to talk about with Koreans, it is better to ask them about what they do during their daily lives. Koreans tend to avoid specific questions like "what does your job consist in doing" or "how do you proceed in studying". They tend to speak more generally about what they do. Koreans tend to ask each other what their hobbies are and what their goals are in life in order to establish what they will talk about. "What are your hobbies" and "what are your future plans" are very common questions for which Koreans expect a clear answer.
Hobbies vary from person to person. Some people have many hobbies, while other may only have one. It is not considered deviant in Korean society to put all one's efforts into one hobby. Some will focus on learning English for an entire year, others on learning an instrument etc. While for those who have a great variety of hobbies it is very easy to focus the conversation on a great amount of topics, others may be ignorant of a great amount of topics. Middle class women, female students and housewives tend to spend a great deal of their time cooking and watching television and may never reject a conversation about Korean entertainment gossip or sharing recipes. Korean middle class men however spend a great amount of their time worrying about their bank accounts and are likely to discuss stock prices, the job market and studying English - which has become a crucial element to make money - more on that later.
As for future goals, both men and women may be busy preparing for very competitive examinations until their late 20s or early 30s. Many plan to go to graduate school abroad some day. Those married may plan to send their children to study abroad. Most study English to improve their TOEIC or TOEFL scores: a key to securing a promotion or good job position. Koreans readily discuss those topics, but do not discuss the details. While it's OK to ask them what they plan to major in, what they plan to study or how many hours they spend studying every day, most Koreans do not have discussions about the subjects that they will study. For example, they rarely discuss English grammar or what they plan to write their dissertation about. However, they do discuss what kind of job they expect, but do not discuss the logistic aspects of their future dream jobs.
Most importantly, Koreans do not like discussing topics which require specialization, no matter how close they may be to their friend. This means that politics, the economy, society or sports are topics that tend to be avoided. People may discuss their political affiliations with close friends, why they like or dislike the president, how interest rates have gone up etc. but tend to discuss those topics concretely, citing lots of concrete examples and very little theoretical data. Although Koreans do vocally disagree on certain issues with people they trust, many pretend to agree, or avoid topics that invite to discussion alltogether.
Finally, note that Koreans keep their explanations short but their descriptions long. This means the "how" rather than the "why" tends to be elaborated. For example, when complaining about something, Koreans will describe everything that happened, all the circumstances, but will not analyze what happened by issuing statments like "I think that when this happens he always does that in order to prevent yonder from happening". They prefer statements like
"after this happened he did that
_and did yonder happen?
_no. "
Step two - using polite forms and plain forms
Korean is an honorific language and has several speech forms. There are basically six forms of speech, but I will only discuss deferential, polite and plain speech forms.
Deferential speech (also known as the -imnida form) is used in official contexts and only when adressing a large crowd (by news anchors or politicians addressing crowds for example). While words like kamsahamnida and pangabseumnida are often kept in deferential form, some Koreans will argue that it is "better" to use the -imnida form when talking to his boss or professor. The reality is Koreans would be considered very weird by their bosses or professors if they did so. And bosses or professors would consider that foreigners do not master the language fluently if they use the -imnida form and will not take them seriously. However, during a meetings that a lot of people are attending, Koreans do expect each other to use the -imnida form.
The polite form, also known as the "-yo" form, is used by people who do not know each other well or people who should show respect to each other. It is used by both people only when getting to know each other, being strangers or talking on a television set. This means that in a Korean conversation, at least one person should use the plain form. Technically, the -yo form should be used when addressing any stranger no matter how old we are. However, some older people, including taxi drivers or shop owners, may use the "impolite" or "plain" form towards customers who are visibly younger the first time they meet them, or any older person for that matter. Textbooks argue that the -yo form should be used towards people no matter how old they may be. According to textbooks and most Koreans, even when someone is one year older than you, you should address him using the -yo form. However, close friends use the plain form regardless of age. If a Korean uses the -yo form towards someone older, it means that he does not consider the person as a friend, or in other words, does not trust that person 100%.
Finally, the "plain" or sometimes called "impolite" speech form is used by older people towards younger people, two people who consider themselves friends, between couples, between children and parents etc. However, a lot of Korean men and women married to foreigners insist on their foreign spouses using the -yo form. In older times wives tended to speak to their husbands using the -yo form, but never husbands towards their wives. It is very rare to find a modern Korean couple that uses the -yo form when addressing each other, though they may use it occasionally to sound cute or when they are fighting to show that they are taking a distance.
Also note that -yo is only attached at the end of the sentence by native speakers. Textbooks insist that -yo should be attached at the end of every verb, but that's not really how Korean people would speak naturally. Note that this rule does not apply when addressing upper class people or one's boss.
Example:
Textbook: 오늘 뭐 했냐고요? 제가 너무 바빠 가지고요 세수까주 못 했어요. 하루 종일 발표 만 쓰고요 잠깐 자 버렸어요. 그 다음에 밥 먹고 왔지요. 사모님은 잘 지내세요?
Actual native Korean: 오늘 뭐 했냐고? 내가 너무 바빠 가지고 세수 까지 못 했어. 하루 종일 발표 만 쓰고 잠깐 자 버렸어. 그 다음에 밥 먹고 왔지. 사모님은 잘 지내세요?
Note that Koreans may be more sensitive and pay closer attention when foreigners are talking to them and may correct foreigners and ask them to speak like the textbook.
* Use of 께서 ( ggaeso): the particle ggaeso is only attached to one's boss's or parents name when
-talking to the boss
-talking about the boss and that the boss or team members are within hearing distance
-talking to people who are both old and members of the elite class.
It is not using when talking about one's boss, parents when talking to other people.
Deferential speech (also known as the -imnida form) is used in official contexts and only when adressing a large crowd (by news anchors or politicians addressing crowds for example). While words like kamsahamnida and pangabseumnida are often kept in deferential form, some Koreans will argue that it is "better" to use the -imnida form when talking to his boss or professor. The reality is Koreans would be considered very weird by their bosses or professors if they did so. And bosses or professors would consider that foreigners do not master the language fluently if they use the -imnida form and will not take them seriously. However, during a meetings that a lot of people are attending, Koreans do expect each other to use the -imnida form.
The polite form, also known as the "-yo" form, is used by people who do not know each other well or people who should show respect to each other. It is used by both people only when getting to know each other, being strangers or talking on a television set. This means that in a Korean conversation, at least one person should use the plain form. Technically, the -yo form should be used when addressing any stranger no matter how old we are. However, some older people, including taxi drivers or shop owners, may use the "impolite" or "plain" form towards customers who are visibly younger the first time they meet them, or any older person for that matter. Textbooks argue that the -yo form should be used towards people no matter how old they may be. According to textbooks and most Koreans, even when someone is one year older than you, you should address him using the -yo form. However, close friends use the plain form regardless of age. If a Korean uses the -yo form towards someone older, it means that he does not consider the person as a friend, or in other words, does not trust that person 100%.
Finally, the "plain" or sometimes called "impolite" speech form is used by older people towards younger people, two people who consider themselves friends, between couples, between children and parents etc. However, a lot of Korean men and women married to foreigners insist on their foreign spouses using the -yo form. In older times wives tended to speak to their husbands using the -yo form, but never husbands towards their wives. It is very rare to find a modern Korean couple that uses the -yo form when addressing each other, though they may use it occasionally to sound cute or when they are fighting to show that they are taking a distance.
Also note that -yo is only attached at the end of the sentence by native speakers. Textbooks insist that -yo should be attached at the end of every verb, but that's not really how Korean people would speak naturally. Note that this rule does not apply when addressing upper class people or one's boss.
Example:
Textbook: 오늘 뭐 했냐고요? 제가 너무 바빠 가지고요 세수까주 못 했어요. 하루 종일 발표 만 쓰고요 잠깐 자 버렸어요. 그 다음에 밥 먹고 왔지요. 사모님은 잘 지내세요?
Actual native Korean: 오늘 뭐 했냐고? 내가 너무 바빠 가지고 세수 까지 못 했어. 하루 종일 발표 만 쓰고 잠깐 자 버렸어. 그 다음에 밥 먹고 왔지. 사모님은 잘 지내세요?
Note that Koreans may be more sensitive and pay closer attention when foreigners are talking to them and may correct foreigners and ask them to speak like the textbook.
* Use of 께서 ( ggaeso): the particle ggaeso is only attached to one's boss's or parents name when
-talking to the boss
-talking about the boss and that the boss or team members are within hearing distance
-talking to people who are both old and members of the elite class.
It is not using when talking about one's boss, parents when talking to other people.
Conversation with Koreans - getting started
A lot of foreigners complain that conversation with Koreans is not always easy. Technically it's not easy with any society other than the one we belong to. You might have problems conversing with people with different religions, ethnic backgrounds, social backgrounds etc.
Before I even get started I think it's important to point out that no two Korean people are similar, talk the same way, or observe the same rules when they talk. But some rules are more observed than others.
These are the main rules observe when Koreans meet someone:
-Koreans never talk to someone with no clear relationship. Before Koreans even start conversing with someone, they should know that the person they are talking to is related to them in some way: same family, same company, same school etc., otherwise, a third person has to introduce them.
*This rule is not clearly defined when it comes to relations with customers. Some restaurants, coffee shops, taxi drivers etc. will engage in conversations with strangers, while others refuse to do so.
-Koreans always start introducing themselves by saying their full name regardless of age, class or social position. They then use formal "phatic" expressions like "nice to meet you", "I think this is the first time we met" etc. They usually use two or three of these expressions.
*Koreans find it very unusual when someone does not start the first conversation by saying his name first. They find it even more unusual when people (for example French people) refuse to answer the question "what is your name".
-After formal greetings, Koreans will start a conversation to get information which will help them establish their "social relationship". They will ask each other how many siblings they have, whether they are the eldest son, their age, their marital status, their job, and sometimes when it's older people asking younger people, their salary and intentions to get married. These questions will help determine who is in a higher social position than the other. Age is a determining factor, but sometimes marital status, economic status etc. can narrow the social gap between two people of similar age.
*Koreans do not immediately call each other by titles like hyeong or nuna, or switch from "polite"(jondaemal) to "plain" (panmal) forms of speech. If their age and social status is similar they may do so, but if they have considerable different social backgrounds or age gaps that may take longer.
-Once the relationship is established, conversation can start. The first few times Koreans will always discuss "light" topics, that is, no gas prices, politics or the economy or any other topic that invites debate or specialized knowledge. Topics depend completely on age, gender, and personal preferences.
This is not set in stone, but usually, when someone is older and male, he will completely monopolize the conversation and there will be little to say for the younger person. Younger people can ask their male seniors questions, but never comment on what they say. Females and people the same age tend to have two-way conversations.
-Once Koreans are absolutely convinced that they can trust the other person, they will discuss more intimate topics.
*Intimate topics include personal problems (things related to family) as well as political, social, economic opinions. Koreans only have debates with people they know they can trust. They tend to pretend to agree with everything the person says when they don't trust each other yet. It may take very little time to gain some people's trust, and a lot of time to gain others.
Before I even get started I think it's important to point out that no two Korean people are similar, talk the same way, or observe the same rules when they talk. But some rules are more observed than others.
These are the main rules observe when Koreans meet someone:
-Koreans never talk to someone with no clear relationship. Before Koreans even start conversing with someone, they should know that the person they are talking to is related to them in some way: same family, same company, same school etc., otherwise, a third person has to introduce them.
*This rule is not clearly defined when it comes to relations with customers. Some restaurants, coffee shops, taxi drivers etc. will engage in conversations with strangers, while others refuse to do so.
-Koreans always start introducing themselves by saying their full name regardless of age, class or social position. They then use formal "phatic" expressions like "nice to meet you", "I think this is the first time we met" etc. They usually use two or three of these expressions.
*Koreans find it very unusual when someone does not start the first conversation by saying his name first. They find it even more unusual when people (for example French people) refuse to answer the question "what is your name".
-After formal greetings, Koreans will start a conversation to get information which will help them establish their "social relationship". They will ask each other how many siblings they have, whether they are the eldest son, their age, their marital status, their job, and sometimes when it's older people asking younger people, their salary and intentions to get married. These questions will help determine who is in a higher social position than the other. Age is a determining factor, but sometimes marital status, economic status etc. can narrow the social gap between two people of similar age.
*Koreans do not immediately call each other by titles like hyeong or nuna, or switch from "polite"(jondaemal) to "plain" (panmal) forms of speech. If their age and social status is similar they may do so, but if they have considerable different social backgrounds or age gaps that may take longer.
-Once the relationship is established, conversation can start. The first few times Koreans will always discuss "light" topics, that is, no gas prices, politics or the economy or any other topic that invites debate or specialized knowledge. Topics depend completely on age, gender, and personal preferences.
This is not set in stone, but usually, when someone is older and male, he will completely monopolize the conversation and there will be little to say for the younger person. Younger people can ask their male seniors questions, but never comment on what they say. Females and people the same age tend to have two-way conversations.
-Once Koreans are absolutely convinced that they can trust the other person, they will discuss more intimate topics.
*Intimate topics include personal problems (things related to family) as well as political, social, economic opinions. Koreans only have debates with people they know they can trust. They tend to pretend to agree with everything the person says when they don't trust each other yet. It may take very little time to gain some people's trust, and a lot of time to gain others.
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