In an agricultural Korean society marriage used to be about having children who would work in farms. Koreans chose healthy women who could bear healthy children, that is, women with fat (because fat helps ovulation, therefore lack of fat causes problems with ovulation, menstrual disorders and eventually infertility) and strong women who could handle everyday chores. But with the advent of modernity things changed.
While in the past families played a critical role on who their children would marry, the role is decreasing. Let's have a look at the criteria Koreans look at when they look for potential spouses:
-Physical features ("beauty"): In Korean society, like in most modern societies, a spouse is a reflection of who a person is and tells more about a person than anything else. Spouses need to be slender or thin - a sign that they control their desires to eat and rest, a sign of being active - and needs to have "western features": "big eyes" (compared to average Koreans), "a bridge at the top of the nose", "double eyelids (the famous ssangkopeul)", an oval face (most Koreans have round faces), a "small face" (Koreans tend to have more voluminous faces than Westerners)... any feature that is common among Western people.
The reason: Koreans view westerners as a symbol of economic wealth, and want those wealthy westerners to have a positive impression of their spouses, therefore any physical feature that westerners don't have may be viewed as "deviant" by westerners, and westerners may therefore have a negative appreciation of their spouse. In Korea, it is out of the question to marry a person with any form of handicap, including Albinos, people with any form of skin disease or any other physical handicap.
-Family background: Family ties are very strong in Korea and families are very interdependent: parents give money to their children as long as they can afford to and regardless of age, and children are expected to give money to their parents. Parents therefore don't want their children to marry people with families that have a significantly lower income as theirs, as they may consider that the person is marrying for the sole purpose of money and inheritance. Families want their children to marry people who will contribute financially in some way to the family.
-Educational background: belonging to a university means belonging to a group. In Korea, alumni associations are very active because of the very strict social rules on networking. Being from a university means having access to numerous connections which will help a person develop economically (in terms of business) and in practical issues, such as when help is needed in case of emergency. Therefore both men and women are expected to have strong connections.
Since historically women from Ewha Women's University have tended to marry men from Seoul National University, both prestigious universities, women from Ewha tend to have strong connections with their alumni who married men from SNU. Ewha is a prestigious university for women for that particular reason, SNU is always a favorite, Korea and Yonsei are acceptable. Note that while graduate school in the United States is always appreciated, people tend to prefer marrying people who attended some form of college in Korea.
Job: Though money is not always important, women tend to prefer marrying men with promising jobs or even men attending promising universities that will lead them to getting a promising job. Though lawyers and doctors tend not to make a lot of money when they start their careers, they tend to have the reputation of making money as they advance in their careers. Businessmen, people who work in the broadcasting industry and professors are also considered prestigious careers.
Note however that men never marry women with careers, or ask them to put an end to their career after marriage. Why? The most common answer to this question is that women are expected to take care of their children, but I would add that there is a social taboo on women working at higher or equal positions than their husbands. In any case, Korean society accepts the fact that no woman should make more money, or even threaten to make more money than her husband, because society accepts the fact that men should provide economic comfort to their wives. The reason I'm saying this is that men who marry secretaries or flight attendants usually don't ask them to quit their jobs, even after they have children. But men who marry singers, actresses or any high income job do ask their wives to quit.
Love and marriage in Korea 1 - how Korean people date
"Promise you'll marry a Korean woman and she'll do anything" is a common stereotype among foreign men which is not always true.
Needless to say that no two Korean women or men have the same criteria when they date, or the same principles about dating behavior. As a linguist, I am interested in how Koreans talk when they date, and a common denominator is that compared to many Western societies, a lot of things are left unsaid. If you think that this "indirect" way of talking is a peculiarity among Asian people, I heard that Scandinavian, especially Danish couples also had that "indirect" way of speaking to each other.
Some couples date for years, 4 years, 5 years, 10 years, without ever mentioning to each other that they are in love or that they will one day marry each other in Korea. Korean society has very specific gender roles among young people, and men are still expected to do all the talking related to where the couple is heading.
But dating in Korea, just like everywhere else, is a little more complicated than that. Some men and women want to date exclusively in order to marry, while others want to try experimenting before getting to marriage.
How does it all start? Remember that Koreans never talk to people they are not affiliated to. This means that it is technically out of the question to go to a bar or night club, dance or have a drink with a man or woman we are physically attracted to or exchange phone numbers.
This is why the concept of "소개팅" (seogetting) is so popular. Seogetting is when a friend - "the third party" - introduces a friend -"the potential soulmate"- to a friend "the single friend" - so that they can eventually date. The process involves the third party talking to his single friend about the potential soulmate giving every detail: age, college attended, company attended, parents' job, family situation etc. etc.
Koreans take every detail into account and one small flaw can end up in rejection. Say, if the father died of a genetic illness, the single friend may refuse. Or the single friend may accept to meet the potential soulmate a few times, but may make him or her wait until progress in career is assured. Say, if the man or woman are expecting a promotion, the single friend may wait until the promotion is effective to engage in any form of dating.
Other forms of dating involve people dating people who are from the same organization, but since dating someone from the same school or company often involves a lot of gossip from former classmates or colleagues, the most popular affiliation for couples are churches or temples. The funny thing is a lot of single Koreans attend churches only in order to find soulmates, and then quit attending church as soon as they find their significant other.
There is no conventional definition for dating in Korea. Some couples claim that they date but never actually kissed each other, others engage in sexual relationships but deny to their friends, and to each other, that they are dating. It is not uncommon for foreigners to think they are dating Koreans until they ask them whether they are "boyfriends" or "girlfriends", and to their surprise, find out that they are not.
As I mentioned, gender roles are very important and men guide women in dating. Men usually choose appointment places, pay for meals and do most of the talking. Korean couples tend to avoid topics that they may disagree upon or which demand specialization: politics, society, the economy etc. and tend to discuss lighter topics: entertainers and yellow papers. Note that if they belong to the same organization, gossip may take an important portion of their conversation. If they don't belong to the same organization and one of the people in the couple has no interest in yellow papers, conversation may simply involve planning where to go next, what to eat etc. It is not uncommon for couples in Korea to have very little to tell each other.
Of course, men are expected to plan the future in an almost "unilateral" way: men plan everything, and women either agree or disagree, but never directly offer alternatives. Women may indirectly suggest alternatives for the future, as in saying "We should really go to the Maldives one day" rather than saying "let's spend our honeymoon in the Maldives".
Also note that it is considered "deviant" for a woman to "break up", so women will do everything, including date someone else, rather than tell their boyfriends "let's break up".
Needless to say that no two Korean women or men have the same criteria when they date, or the same principles about dating behavior. As a linguist, I am interested in how Koreans talk when they date, and a common denominator is that compared to many Western societies, a lot of things are left unsaid. If you think that this "indirect" way of talking is a peculiarity among Asian people, I heard that Scandinavian, especially Danish couples also had that "indirect" way of speaking to each other.
Some couples date for years, 4 years, 5 years, 10 years, without ever mentioning to each other that they are in love or that they will one day marry each other in Korea. Korean society has very specific gender roles among young people, and men are still expected to do all the talking related to where the couple is heading.
But dating in Korea, just like everywhere else, is a little more complicated than that. Some men and women want to date exclusively in order to marry, while others want to try experimenting before getting to marriage.
How does it all start? Remember that Koreans never talk to people they are not affiliated to. This means that it is technically out of the question to go to a bar or night club, dance or have a drink with a man or woman we are physically attracted to or exchange phone numbers.
This is why the concept of "소개팅" (seogetting) is so popular. Seogetting is when a friend - "the third party" - introduces a friend -"the potential soulmate"- to a friend "the single friend" - so that they can eventually date. The process involves the third party talking to his single friend about the potential soulmate giving every detail: age, college attended, company attended, parents' job, family situation etc. etc.
Koreans take every detail into account and one small flaw can end up in rejection. Say, if the father died of a genetic illness, the single friend may refuse. Or the single friend may accept to meet the potential soulmate a few times, but may make him or her wait until progress in career is assured. Say, if the man or woman are expecting a promotion, the single friend may wait until the promotion is effective to engage in any form of dating.
Other forms of dating involve people dating people who are from the same organization, but since dating someone from the same school or company often involves a lot of gossip from former classmates or colleagues, the most popular affiliation for couples are churches or temples. The funny thing is a lot of single Koreans attend churches only in order to find soulmates, and then quit attending church as soon as they find their significant other.
There is no conventional definition for dating in Korea. Some couples claim that they date but never actually kissed each other, others engage in sexual relationships but deny to their friends, and to each other, that they are dating. It is not uncommon for foreigners to think they are dating Koreans until they ask them whether they are "boyfriends" or "girlfriends", and to their surprise, find out that they are not.
As I mentioned, gender roles are very important and men guide women in dating. Men usually choose appointment places, pay for meals and do most of the talking. Korean couples tend to avoid topics that they may disagree upon or which demand specialization: politics, society, the economy etc. and tend to discuss lighter topics: entertainers and yellow papers. Note that if they belong to the same organization, gossip may take an important portion of their conversation. If they don't belong to the same organization and one of the people in the couple has no interest in yellow papers, conversation may simply involve planning where to go next, what to eat etc. It is not uncommon for couples in Korea to have very little to tell each other.
Of course, men are expected to plan the future in an almost "unilateral" way: men plan everything, and women either agree or disagree, but never directly offer alternatives. Women may indirectly suggest alternatives for the future, as in saying "We should really go to the Maldives one day" rather than saying "let's spend our honeymoon in the Maldives".
Also note that it is considered "deviant" for a woman to "break up", so women will do everything, including date someone else, rather than tell their boyfriends "let's break up".
When hagwons go out of business - and don't pay you
The hagwon industry is a very competitive one in Korea. Teaching English is a lucrative business which requires little effort and where profits can be high, but still a lot of hagwons fail.
If your hagwon didn't pay you, this is what might have happened:
There are big hagwons in Korea whose reputation is intact and who make record profits every year. Some dream of reaching such a level and open such hagwons.
Reputed hagwons have everything a decent hagwon needs: they are expensive, but their teachers have experience, they are very strict about what should be taught and how, that is, they delineate the curriculum very carefully and train teachers to teach efficiently. For example, they will tell their teachers that if a student asks a question, they provide a simple answer, and if the student is not satisfied with the answer, they just tell him that the question will be studied later.
However, a number of hagwons open without knowing anything about language teaching. All they think about is the money they will make teaching English. So they find a building, hire the first teacher who applies for the job, and don't provide teachers with teaching guidlines, and sometimes don't even give teachers textbooks.
Such hagwons practice low prices to attract as many students as possible. But they don't divide students by language ability or by level, they mix students using arbitrary criteria such as age, or sometimes don't have a policy on how classes should be divided at all. So teachers end up without textbooks, in classrooms where some students speak advanced English while others don't speak a word of English.
Teachers end up being clueless. They don't know what to teach or how to teach, and can not manage a class where students' levels are heterogeneous. Some focus on students with advanced knowledge of English and forget to take care of those who have more difficulties, while other teachers focus on students with difficulties. Also, rather than advancing steadily in curriculums that teachers often designed themselves, they tend to stop at one particular point of English grammar or one particular word, and may spend a whole class teaching that particular point.
A blunder that such hagwon managers make is that they don't take into account the fact that parents and adults in Korea often attend hagowns in order to get better tests at their scores. While experienced hagwons tell their foreign teachers how to focus on such tests and to teach what might come up in such tests, many hagwons do not tell their teachers to focus on students' tests. So angry parents and adults attending such hagwons find out that what is taught there is not related to the tests that they are taking.
Parents notice that their children are not making progress in class, adult students notice that they are not learning much from the class. Test scores do not improve for both students and adults. Such parents or adults often post negative reviews on Internet forums related to the hagwon, and the hagwon has difficulties attracting new students. Such hagwons often end up going out of business.
So, if your hagwon did not pay you or paid you late, it is a better idea to quit, because such hagwons are often in difficult financial situations and their reputation is so damaged that they can not attract new students.
If your hagwon didn't pay you, this is what might have happened:
There are big hagwons in Korea whose reputation is intact and who make record profits every year. Some dream of reaching such a level and open such hagwons.
Reputed hagwons have everything a decent hagwon needs: they are expensive, but their teachers have experience, they are very strict about what should be taught and how, that is, they delineate the curriculum very carefully and train teachers to teach efficiently. For example, they will tell their teachers that if a student asks a question, they provide a simple answer, and if the student is not satisfied with the answer, they just tell him that the question will be studied later.
However, a number of hagwons open without knowing anything about language teaching. All they think about is the money they will make teaching English. So they find a building, hire the first teacher who applies for the job, and don't provide teachers with teaching guidlines, and sometimes don't even give teachers textbooks.
Such hagwons practice low prices to attract as many students as possible. But they don't divide students by language ability or by level, they mix students using arbitrary criteria such as age, or sometimes don't have a policy on how classes should be divided at all. So teachers end up without textbooks, in classrooms where some students speak advanced English while others don't speak a word of English.
Teachers end up being clueless. They don't know what to teach or how to teach, and can not manage a class where students' levels are heterogeneous. Some focus on students with advanced knowledge of English and forget to take care of those who have more difficulties, while other teachers focus on students with difficulties. Also, rather than advancing steadily in curriculums that teachers often designed themselves, they tend to stop at one particular point of English grammar or one particular word, and may spend a whole class teaching that particular point.
A blunder that such hagwon managers make is that they don't take into account the fact that parents and adults in Korea often attend hagowns in order to get better tests at their scores. While experienced hagwons tell their foreign teachers how to focus on such tests and to teach what might come up in such tests, many hagwons do not tell their teachers to focus on students' tests. So angry parents and adults attending such hagwons find out that what is taught there is not related to the tests that they are taking.
Parents notice that their children are not making progress in class, adult students notice that they are not learning much from the class. Test scores do not improve for both students and adults. Such parents or adults often post negative reviews on Internet forums related to the hagwon, and the hagwon has difficulties attracting new students. Such hagwons often end up going out of business.
So, if your hagwon did not pay you or paid you late, it is a better idea to quit, because such hagwons are often in difficult financial situations and their reputation is so damaged that they can not attract new students.
Are Koreans losing their Korean to the expense of English?
Let me reassure you: no person has ever lost its first language. That is, no matter how much time you may happen to spend abroad or how much you may study a foreign language, your ability to speak your native language will be intact.
The Korean taught in schools, just like all other languages taught in school, is the form spoken by the older upper middle class people and does not take into account the evolved form of language that students speak. The form that students speak will then be taught in schools years later, and that generation will again accuse youngsters of not speaking their language properly, or of losing it, and so on.
The point is that language evolves, and most of the evolution takes place among junior high and senior high school students. These students will come up with new grammar patterns, new words and so on which will not be taught in schools.
Korea is a socially stratified society, just like the United States and many other countries. Yes their is a lower class in the US even though Americans tend to claim that they all belong to that middle class. As for Korea, there is an upper class, a middle class and a lower class, and the middle class tends to try everything in order to one day belong to that upper class.
During the 1960s, linguists discovered that upper class people had a distinct dialect, which tended to be the one taught in schools in developed countries, and was therefore referred to as the "official language" or as a "language" in opposition to what other classes spoke which tends to be referred to as a dialect.
So when Koreans are not speaking the dialect of the "upper class", society tends to be worried that they are not speaking the language properly and that they are losing it. Society will find every pretext to blame these kids for not speaking the proper dialect: they will call them "lazy", or blame them for spending too much time studying foreign languages.
While speaking the upper class dialect in Korea is a big plus to enter upper class circles, the ability of children and lower class people to speak Korean should not be questioned: it is intact, as grammatical, logical and advanced as any other dialect spoken in Korea, including the upper class dialect.
The Korean taught in schools, just like all other languages taught in school, is the form spoken by the older upper middle class people and does not take into account the evolved form of language that students speak. The form that students speak will then be taught in schools years later, and that generation will again accuse youngsters of not speaking their language properly, or of losing it, and so on.
The point is that language evolves, and most of the evolution takes place among junior high and senior high school students. These students will come up with new grammar patterns, new words and so on which will not be taught in schools.
Korea is a socially stratified society, just like the United States and many other countries. Yes their is a lower class in the US even though Americans tend to claim that they all belong to that middle class. As for Korea, there is an upper class, a middle class and a lower class, and the middle class tends to try everything in order to one day belong to that upper class.
During the 1960s, linguists discovered that upper class people had a distinct dialect, which tended to be the one taught in schools in developed countries, and was therefore referred to as the "official language" or as a "language" in opposition to what other classes spoke which tends to be referred to as a dialect.
So when Koreans are not speaking the dialect of the "upper class", society tends to be worried that they are not speaking the language properly and that they are losing it. Society will find every pretext to blame these kids for not speaking the proper dialect: they will call them "lazy", or blame them for spending too much time studying foreign languages.
While speaking the upper class dialect in Korea is a big plus to enter upper class circles, the ability of children and lower class people to speak Korean should not be questioned: it is intact, as grammatical, logical and advanced as any other dialect spoken in Korea, including the upper class dialect.
Is English a difficult language to learn for Koreans?
We native English speakers have our prejudices. We see all those Dutch, German, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Scandinavian or Israeli people speak fluent conversational English and feel like English should be an accessible language to everyone.
Let first set things straight. English is from the Germanic family of languages, which includes Yiddish, Dutch, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, German and many other languages. Those languages have similar grammatical structures and their basic vocabularies have the same roots. As for French, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish and Romanian, they are Romance languages, and English has borrowed many many Latin and French words throughout the years. Note that modern Hebrew has lots of borrowings from Yiddish.
Speakers of these languages are the foreigners Americans are the most likely to meet, as whether they are Latinos, Africans or Europeans, there is a big chance such people speak one of those languages related to English or from which English borrowed significant portions of vocabulary.
And then there are the Asian, who borrowed some vocabulary from English, but not enough to make learning learning English easy. While Dutch and German people can easily infer what an English word means by looking at their native languages, Koreans can't.
Koreans have this disadvantage compared to speakers of other languages. And with the prejudice English speakers have that most foreigners have a language related to English in some way, we think that Koreans are slow at learning English.
While Dutch and German people may still make "cute" grammar mistakes when they speak English, they are not afraid of the "unknown": if they hear a word they never heard before there are high chances that such words will be in their native language. That is not the case for Koreans.
Koreans therefore go through what linguists call "language shock". Just like culture shock, when people experience language shock, they refrain from speaking the language that they are learning from fear of not understanding what the person is saying and being considered "stupid". Native English speakers learning Korean also have their "language shock" phase.
The rest is a question of motivation and need: Koreans who need to learn English to communicate with their husbands will speak English better than those who need to learn it to get a decent score at the TOEFL test which will guarantee them a job.
Let first set things straight. English is from the Germanic family of languages, which includes Yiddish, Dutch, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, German and many other languages. Those languages have similar grammatical structures and their basic vocabularies have the same roots. As for French, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish and Romanian, they are Romance languages, and English has borrowed many many Latin and French words throughout the years. Note that modern Hebrew has lots of borrowings from Yiddish.
Speakers of these languages are the foreigners Americans are the most likely to meet, as whether they are Latinos, Africans or Europeans, there is a big chance such people speak one of those languages related to English or from which English borrowed significant portions of vocabulary.
And then there are the Asian, who borrowed some vocabulary from English, but not enough to make learning learning English easy. While Dutch and German people can easily infer what an English word means by looking at their native languages, Koreans can't.
Koreans have this disadvantage compared to speakers of other languages. And with the prejudice English speakers have that most foreigners have a language related to English in some way, we think that Koreans are slow at learning English.
While Dutch and German people may still make "cute" grammar mistakes when they speak English, they are not afraid of the "unknown": if they hear a word they never heard before there are high chances that such words will be in their native language. That is not the case for Koreans.
Koreans therefore go through what linguists call "language shock". Just like culture shock, when people experience language shock, they refrain from speaking the language that they are learning from fear of not understanding what the person is saying and being considered "stupid". Native English speakers learning Korean also have their "language shock" phase.
The rest is a question of motivation and need: Koreans who need to learn English to communicate with their husbands will speak English better than those who need to learn it to get a decent score at the TOEFL test which will guarantee them a job.
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